My Fault
by MeAndI63
Summary: "Jace, please remember I have always been a good girlfriend. You know I've always been." One night, the unbelievable happens to Clary. How could she tell this to the man she loves? One shot.
1. Clary's fault

**Beta: KScalerose**

Jace, please remember that I have always been a good girlfriend. You know I always have been. You know I've never looked at any other man ever since we met. You know that even when we had our worst fights, I would always come back for you. Jace, you know that you are the only one in my heart.

Jace, you know how careful I am. You know that I've stopped walking at night all alone. Everytime we go out to dance in clubs, I make sure we go out in a group and that at least one of us is sober enough to drive. You know that when I'm ordering a drink, I make sure it comes from a closed bottle. Jace, you know that when I need to go to the bathroom, I always making sure someone is watching my drinks. You know that I'm using everything that school had ever taught me, Angel Boy. You know that.

You saw me walking with Izzy for girl-time in the middle of the day. You know that we were together. You know that she would never leave me alone. No woman is supposed to be attacked in daylight. In every lecture we got, they told us it happens at night. I was supposed to be safe. And still I didn't forget to watch out for myself. Why did this happen to me Jace? Was I not careful enough? Did I do something wrong?

We both have no idea how he got to my drinks. Maybe he was the waiter, or the bartender. The police are still figuring that out. It only took him a second. One second that we had let our guard down. One. The whole world turned all around me and I needed to go to the bathroom. Izzy told me to wash my face, and my head was in such a blur that getting Izzy to go with me didn't cross my mind. Jace, don't be mad at her. It was broad daylight, how was she supposed to know what would happen?

I'm begging you Jace, please don't be mad at me. You know that if I could I would have put up a fight. My whole body felt limp and when he pushed me up against the wall of the women's restroom, there was nothing I could do. There was nothing I could do. I'm so sorry Jace, I should have fought harder. I told him no, I did. He tore off my shirt first, and messed with my bra. Why would he play with my breasts? You know I have none. When my spaghetti arms tried to push him away, the monster just laughed in my face. Jace, I can see his black eyes in my mind, but I can't remember his face. I'm sorry that I can't remember his face. My useless brain can't even remember who the guy who fucked your girl was, I can't even tell you who the monster I've cheated on you was, I can't. Forgive me.

When he ripped down my pants, I lost control of my body completely. I should have tried to fight, to kick him where they always tell us to hit. I'm sorry Jace, my body just froze. I don't know why. I'm sorry Jace. Why didn't I try to fight him off? Why couldn't I cry or scream for help? All I could do was stand there, petrified, waiting for him to get it over with. Maybe I wanted it. Yes, maybe your sick girlfriend didn't fight because she wanted to get fucked.

When he began, my body stood still, stiff. All I could do was say 'no' over and over again. Jace, I couldn't move, but he could. And he sure did move. His hands were all over my breasts, his dagger stabbing inside of me. His mouth, all over my face. He sure did move. Should I keep going? Are you mad at me for telling you what it was like?

When it was finally over, he pulled up his pants and told me something. I can't remember what it was. The important thing though, was that I could move. So why didn't I? He left me there, frozen as a statue while he just walked away. It took me at least fifteen minutes for my brain to process what just happened. Izzy later told me It was twenty minutes before she walked over the bathroom. Only when I had saw her face, I understood what had happened. You have to believe me Jace, I do love you. More than anything. Please Jace, forgive me for not fighting hard enough. Forgive me for cheating on you. Izzy told me that I had been numb until she said your name, and only then did I break into tears. Forgive me, my Angel Boy, forgive me for that the only thing I had done was say no. Forgive me that now, I'm calling you from the police station, instead of being at home with you. Forgive me for this ugly cheat. Forgive me for being the horrible girlfriend I am.

Are you still there Jace?

 **Now, I know I've said a lot "this is going to be my last one shot for a while," but this** **is** **going to be my last one. Tomorrow I'm leaving my home for two weeks in the south, for course that I'll be without cell phone on me. Hope for the best.**

 **Also, let me be clear: Clary never wanted this. Sometime rape victims seems themselves guilty of what happened to them. It was not Clary's fault, and no other woman had ever being guilty for been raped.**

 **Please tell me what you think.**


	2. Jace' fault

**Beta: KScalerose**

Clary, please talk to me. It hurts me to see you like this. You used to be so happy, so energetic. So alive. Clary, you used to wake up every morning with a smile on your face, you used to give me a big kiss on my lips before you took off to work or to Izzy's.

Clary, the night that you called me from the police station was the worst night of my life. When I finally reached the station, they wouldn't let me in. I had to run from those cops and break into the building only to find you sitting in the corner, curled up like a kitten. Broken. Did you know, the whole way there, I pictured in my mind that the second I found you I would take you into my arms and hide you from the rest of the world. And do you remember what it was I really did? I froze. I had froze. How could I just stand there, and do nothing? How could I watch you sitting there, crying, and not tell you that everything would be all right?

Clary, you can't deny that ever since that after what that monster had done to you, everything has changed between us. We both tried to fight it, to pretend that he was no longer there, and that he could no longer bother us. But he was there. He was there whenever I touched you, and we both imagined that it was really the bastard who was touching you. He was there whenever we looked at each other, all we could see were black eyes. He was there, taking every breath with us, followed us like a shadow in the sun.

Clary, I know how you act. I know that if anyone would ask you if you wanted to talk about it, you'd tell them there is nothing to talk about. And I respected that during the first days. I gave you time, made sure to always be one step away from you so that if you feeled you needed me, I would be there. And you didn't want me. You are so brave, always trying to hide your fear and your pain from everybody who loves and cares about you. You don't have to isolate yourself, Clary, you don't have to.

Clary, please tell me you don't hate me. Tell me you don't blame me. I beg you. I know that you are mad at me. I'm mad at me. I'm disgusted with myself. Every night before I close my eyes I curse myself for not being able to convince you to talk to me. If I had been more open with you about my secrets, maybe you wouldn't have hid yourself from me. Forgive me Clary, for not being the boyfriend you deserve. I don't deserve you Clary, you deserve so much more. Forgive me Clary, for not being more supportive. I bet if it was your ex, Jonathan, he would have known exactly what to say to make you feel better. I bet that if he were still your boyfriend, he would have been holding you closer and making you feel safe. If it were him, he wouldn't have let you leave his side. He would have kept you safe.

And what am I? I'm the boyfriend you have now. I'm the boyfriend who sees you breaking into pieces day after day, and doesn't even know how to handle this. I'm the boyfriend who's hurting you by bringing it up at the worst times, and just when you feel good enough to get out of bed, asks you how you feel today, and reminds you that you should be hurting. I'm a monster, Clary, and I wish that I could have been a better boyfriend.

Forgive me, Clary, for choosing the worst psychologist in the world, you deserve only the best. I should have known Hodge would only make you feel like hell. He told me that he had asked you what you were wearing and I almost broke his arm. Clary, I can hear you crying at night in distress. You can't imagine how torn up I am, watching you so hurt and knowing that I can't do anything to get rid of the pain you feel. I know I should have tried harder, I know I should have. I do want you to know this, I love you Clary. More than anything in this world, and I always will. Nothing will ever change that. In these last four months, there's nothing more that I wanted than to see your glorious smiles again. Clary, if I could have taken your misery and suffering for myself, I would have done it. In a heartbeat.

Clary, please forgive me for sending you there. I know how much you hate hospitals. Even after that night you refused any medical help. This is about more than what you want, this is about what you need. And there is nothing I regret more in life than not being able to be what you need. I love you Clary, more than life. And I know this place could bring you back your happiness. If only I could be the one who could help you Clary. But I can't, and I'm the worst. You need to get better, Clary, and this place will help you get better. Their reputation is excellent, and you need to get better Clary. You can't keep blaming yourself for what was done to you, there is nothing you could have done, nothing could ever make it your fault. I hope you realize that.

Please tell me that you will still love me.

 **Now, since ThatOneDisc asked me if Jace is actually mad at her, I want to clear it for your all: he doesn't. It was just her fear that maybe she** ** _is_** **somehow guilty and Jace might hate her for this.**

 **As for Jace, don't judge him. Most couples are breaking up after tragic struck them. Jace tries everything that he can to make sure it would not happened to them, and he just can't do it alone. And he shouldn't. He send her to a close ward so the best doctors would help her, and he does tries alone to help her (if he gave up to soon, it's up for you to decide) and it breaks him to see the love of his life hurt. He wants to help her, and gives her everything that he can. He stays with her, he tries to ask her if she wants to talk about this with him, he loves her. It's just not enough, and honestly- do you think that any of you could have help Clary after what happened to her?**

 **Please leave your reviews, and also- I've stated a new fanfic called "Edom's children". The story is about a demon with a black eyes who is summand by accident to our world. Using one of the children of his followers (Seelie) and her friends, he plans a satanic plan that (spoiler!). Three angels- Jace, Izzy, and Alec- are sent to destroy him. On their way they meet Clary, Simon, Magnus, and Maia (all mundane) who would try to help them. Please read and tell me what you thinks;)**


	3. Edit!

This story is now edited, thanks for KScalerose!


	4. Direct request for you, the readers

_**"**_ _ **For Eighteen years old Cassandra, The Golden Circus is everything. It's where she was born, it's where she grew, it's where she belongs. When she and her father losing their job, she can't except the fact that she is no longer relevant for the show business**_ _ **.**_

 _ **So when they come across Magnificent Circus, Cassandra believe that she had found her new home. But there is something odd about this circus. They have almost no idea how to talk, their acts are dreadful, and even those who grew tired of running refuse to leave. What at first seems like an amateur choice, later turned to be a calculated plan. And Cassandra decisions are going to cost her those she loves**_ _ **."**_

This summary is the plot if my own original story called: "The Birth of the Ringmaster."

If the plot is interesting for you, then you are just the one that I'm looking for. Lately, I've written down the second draft of the story, but I have so much more work to do before I publish the story.

If you want to read the story, all you need to do is to send me P.M. here or send me an e-mail for the next address: Liri46 gmail. Com.

I'll send you the first chapter of the story and a question. When you'll answer the question, I'll send you the next chapter.

Here is a small peak for the rest of you:

 _ **"**_ _ **Stop judging me. As if you had never dreamed to run away with the circus. If there is one person who can judge me it will be me. I knew even back then that there is no real excuse for my following actions. Despite all my love for the show business, the misery I got my father through was not worth it. No one had dared me, or challenged me, or said that I should do it- this was my plan alone. This was a childish, stupid, and selfish act that months later made me feel miserable**_ _ **.**_

 _ **And still, how could anyone else judge me for following my dreams**_ _ **?"**_


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